


oblivion

by RosaNautica



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Depression, Heavy Angst, M/M, don’t know how to tag this, i should rather sleep at nights...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 10:30:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18519616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosaNautica/pseuds/RosaNautica
Summary: Searching for something he doesn’t even know.





	oblivion

**Author's Note:**

> To Charles and all he’d lost.  
> Don’t blame me, blame his eyes, he’s just too sad...

 

 

He listens to the anthems and tries to play the Monegasque one in his head, instead.

The trophy feels heavy with disappointment as he lifts it. Although, it should’ve been even heavier, actually. Bigger. Shinier.

He’ll get there soon, he’s sure of it.

And _that_ will feel a hell of a lot better.

It will, he thinks in an ephemeral moment of joy, sweet, sparkling and dispersive like the rose water streaks in his face.

_It must._

 

Seb squeezes him tightly, comfortingly. Charles hugs back, stroking his spine, and thinks it should be the other way around; he had at least the podium, miraculously, while Seb just spun out again. He is kind of sorry for the German. He doesn’t think he’s anything more than that, but whenever Seb says he loves him, Charles says it back and looks deep into his heart for any truth to it, because he really wants to.

He only finds emptiness.

 

Moving his lips over the inked skin, he knows it’s wrong in every possible way. He doesn’t care. He would sell his soul for a few seconds of fulfilment. Abrupt discharge, electrifying, stops his heart for a couple of beats, but then he catches his breath, looks at blissed smile on that perfectly beautiful face, and he feels nothing. A chaste kiss, wiping off whitish drops from chocolate complexion, a vague promise of next time, and he goes back to his hotel,

to Seb’s warm embrace,

to the caresses that don’t reach under his skin and smiles that never arrive to his eyes.

 

Lewis is a top-notch lover. Keen, passionate, impersonal, uncomplicated, everything that Charles needs. Sometimes, he wishes he could give a little bit more in return.

Wishes he had anything to give.

He used to think he would fill that void again with love, but it doesn’t seem to work. He knows what it is supposed to feel like. Like Seb: his devoted looks, his unconditional care. But it is a love too tender to break through his callous heart.

 

 

Maybe after his first win…

 

Maybe after his first title…

 

No point.

It was “maybe after my first pole” and “maybe after my first podium,” before. And nothing has changed, he’s just the same.

 

Empty.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This thing just suddenly wrote itself. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it but I post it, just in case somebody might like it...  
> (If you do, I’ll be super glad <3)
> 
>  
> 
> (All purely fictional etc.)


End file.
